Existential Punk

My Journey with Bipolar Type 2

 

 

A little over two years ago i was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 Disorder. i had already struggled with regular depression most of my life and had been on and off numerous antidepressants throughout my adult life. i have had ups and downs and have been suicidal before, even spending some time in psychiatric hospitals for deep depression and suicidal thoughts.

My doctor this last time, after her diagnosis, prescribed the mood stabilizer Abilify. i was on it for two years and doing relatively well when i started getting increasing leg shakes, to the point where i had to put on the cruise control to drive. This was JUST this past January. SO, she took me immediately off of the Abilify and after a few weeks, the shaking dissipated completely. BUT, the darkness and dankness of dread, hopelessness and deep depression winnowed their way into the pit of my soul. She then prescribed Lamictal and it caused me to break out in horrible itching fits all over my body. She then recommended Depakote, but said there was a chance of weight gain and i said HELL NO since i struggled with my weight my entire life. So, we tried an different drug, but it proved to be too weak and i had to make the decision to remain deeply depressed or risk weight gain and give the Depakote a try. With Depakote comes a blood test once every 6 months, i believe. So, far, no noticeable increase in my appetite and no weight gain, YET! i am HOPEFUL!

DEPRESSION SUCKS! 3 STRAIGHT MONTHS of it tore me apart and was so very debilitating. i am very grateful for Katryna's love and support, and for the love and support of my friends, therapist and psychaitrist. Also, i was able to express my doldrums in poetry. i am currently on 3 Depakote pills and feeling so much better! i still have a low-grade depression and very low energy that comes with the Lyme Disease. But, i am more hopeful now.

i wrote the following poem yesterday in my poetry class:

 

depakote

driving through my veins

eviscerating the

pounding chemicals rushing

around, bringing me to my

knees, in darkness and despair,

onto an upward swing, the depakote

travels gleefully,

elevating somber and debilitaing moods.

Copyright 2012 by Adele L. Sakler

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Radical Inclusivity

Outlaw Preachers speak often about Radical Inclusivity and welcoming ALL to the table. i do not think it works. One, i am queer, and inviting people who hate and despise me makes it not safe for me to be there. Two, someone will always be excluded and those who hate and despise others already self-exclude in my honest opinion. Fundamentalist Christians already have a place at the table and church communities that support them and love them. WHY invite them to the Outlaw Preachers? WHAT is your motivation? To convert them to your way of thinking? That is an agenda and not very honest. Otherwise, you are inviting people who perpetuate violence to an already disenfranchised group of people. Often, Queer people do NOT have a place at the table, and by inviting people who do not wish to be invited is wrong in my opinion. Often these fundamentalist Christians rip apart the Outlaw Preachers and do not wish to be involved with them. WHY in G-D's name would you want to include them then? i do NOT understand this mentality. G-D is about love and love has boundaries and is tough sometimes. It says "NO!" to bad behaviour and sets some tough boundaries. What i see in the Outlaw Preachers is "ANYTHING GOES"! i am NOT about this mentality and have pulled out of the Outlaw Preachers. i have no intention of being a part of something that welcomes hate. Too many queers stay in the closet, self-hate and self loathe, and even go as far as committing suicide. THIS is NOT ok with me to see this all happening. Many on the far right of Christianity, in their unrlenting certainty, perpetuate all this hate that contributes to queers to go through all these things. IT IS WRONG PEOPLE! It must not be tolerated. i am so sick of the platitudes and idealism of LOVE WINS! Hate STILL exists and is not going away.

Spirit Day

In memory of the recent suicide victims as a result of ANTI-GAY BULLYING, which MUST STOP!

 

Heaven & Hell

Ok, so I’m queer and to evangelical Christians I’m going to hell. That’s ok cuz I’d rather not spend eternity with a bunch of damn hypocrites! I don’t even believe in a burning place called hell anymore. For me, hell is on earth and we see it everyday. The genocide in Darfur, the poverty in places like India, human trafficking, starvation, people losing their homes and jobs, plane crashes, suicides of LGBTQ teens, and the like. These are the places of hell.

 

I’m not even sure if there’s a literal place called heaven that we go to when our time on this earth is up. I could be wrong, as I am wrong about so many damn things! Yet, I see heaven happening here on earth as well. I see it in loving relationships like the one I share with my wife. I also see heaven in all the good that is accomplished throughout the world like the works of Mother Theresa, Desmond TuTu, and people working to solve poverty like Bono – those looking outside themselves and caring for those living in hell on earth.

FCKH8 (Warning - YOU will be offended)

What Am i Afraid Of?

Fear of the other. It's a great fear because you don't know the other. It can instill a deep-seated hatred of the other if not managed well. That's what homophobia is - hatred and fear of the other. i fear being on the receiving end of homophobia because it hurts and brings about great damage. It cuts like a knife. Slurs that are meant to cause emotional harm are what i fear. i also fear the very violence that can accompany those slurs. Like what happened recently to the three gay people in New York. i fear that kind of violence being subjected on me just for who i am. It really scares the shit out of me that i could be attacked verbally and/or physically for being queer. i have experienced homophobia as slurs but never any violence. i feel like one day i might. i don't walk around in deep fear all of the time but it does resonate in the back of my mind from time to time. When i walk down the street holding my wife's hand with not a care in the world, the fear does lurk in the cobwebs of my mind. i'm a pretty carefree person who has a level of confidence in good measure, but i am flesh and blood. Say something nasty regarding my sexuality and it hurts deeply. Prick me and i bleed, so verbal pricking affects me greatly! People can be horrific to others. It's these people i fear the most. If they would only take the time to get to know a queer person, maybe then they would see we are ALL human with all the same ups and downs in life. i am saddened by all the hate shown lately through the bullying and subsequent rash of suicides. No one should be driven to take their life. No one!

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are!

 

 

It’s National Coming Out Day across America today. Will you join the LGBTQ community and come out of your closet in solidarity with us? HRC (Human Rights Campaign) has a history of this HISTORIC DAY! It is SO VERY IMPORTANT that straight allies come out of their closets in solidarity for equality for ALL LGBTQ people! We are a minority fighting for full equality and we need ALL the help we can get. Help put an end to all the homophobia that still exists!

Hate

Hate

by Adele Sakler

hate is powerful

as it tears apart hopes and dreams,

terminating love and honor at

every turn.

COPYRIGHT 2010. All RIGHTS RESERVED.

Bathroom Rant

This is my FIRST Video Podcast and it's a rant!

'Evolving In Monkey Town' Book Review

i just finished reading my friend, Rachel Held Evans' first book, "Evolving In Monkey Town: How A Girl Who Knew All The Answers Learned To Ask The Questions". i even have a chapter in the book! Thanks so very much, Rachel for asking the questions and for including me in your journey! i suggest reading the book as i don't think you will be disappointed. i loved her honesty and the wrestling she did with her faith! "If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that serious doubt - the kind that leads to despair - begins not when we start asking God questions but when, out of fear, we stop." (p. 226) This is her journey out of fundamentalism and into a more progressive faith that enjoys the questions and doubts more than all the certainties of a black and white faith.

i could totally relate to her journey and resonated with much of what she said. Here are a few examples from the book that resonated with me:

"We are not saved by information. We are saved by restored relationship with God, which might look a little different from person to person, culture to culture, time to time...When we require that all people must say the same words or subscribe to the same creeds in order to experience God, we underestimate the scope and power of God's activity in the world." (p. 132)

"The more committed we are to certain theological absolutes, the more likely we are to discount the work of the Spirit when it doesn't conform to our presuppositions." (p. 155)

"I would tell them that the idea of a single, comprehensive biblical worldview to which all Christians can agree is a myth and that it's okay to ask questions about people's interpretations. I would tell them that this doesn't diminish the beauty and power of the Bible but rather enhances it and gives Christians something to talk about." (p. 185)

"The Bible is perfection crammed into imperfect language, the otherworldly expressed in worldly ways, holiness written down by unholy hands, read by unholy eyes, and processed by unholy brains...In truth, the Bible represents a cacophony of voices. It is a text teeming with conflict and contrast, brimming with paradox, held together with creative tension." (p. 189)

"The Bible doesn't exist in a vacuum but must always be interpreted by a predisposed reader. Our interpretations are colored by our culture, our community, our presuppositions, our experience, our language, our education, our emotions, our intellect, our desires, and our biases." (p. 192)

"Perhaps our love for the Bible should be measured not by how valiantly we fight to convince others of our interpretations but by how diligently we work to preserve a diversity of opinion." (p. 194)

"My interpretation can only be as inerrant as I am, and that's good to keep in mind." (p. 195)

"But it seems to me that if evangelical Christians were the only ones to have God all figured out, then they would be the kindest, most generous people around...Most Christians I know are only interested in winning arguments, converts, and elections." (p. 201)

"...But most rejected Christianity because they thought it means becoming judgmental, narrow-minded, intolerant, and unkind...Most weren't looking for a faith that provided all the answers; they were looking for one in which they were free to ask the questions." (pp. 203-204)

"In fact, I am convinced that what drives most people away from Christianity is not the cost of discipleship but rather the cost of false fundamentals. False fundamentals make it impossible for faith to adapt to change." (p. 207)

"In a way, we're all fundamentalists. We all have pet theological systems, political positions and standards of morality that are not essential to the gospel but that we cling to so tightly that we leave fingernail marks on the palms of our hands." (pp. 208-209)

Thanks, Rachel, for a deeply honest portrayal of your journey. i am a better person for having read and ingested this story.